Things I want to remember.

{This post has been buried in my drafts folder.  It’s a collection of random thoughts that were hard to put into words because there is so much feeling behind them.  I suppose there’s no time like the present to share it.}

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The thing that surprised me most about parenthood is how I could survive on the sleep schedule we kept in the first two months.  We were waking Ava up every 2 hours to feed her for the first few weeks.  Then we got the go ahead to gradually bump it back to waking her every 4 hours.  When we went in for the two month appointment and got the okay to let her wake up on her own when she needed to be fed or changed or whatever, we had adjusted to short blocks of sleep through the night.  It felt downright luxurious to sleep for six hours straight.  Then Ava eventually began sleeping 7 to 8 hours each night and now I’m so accustomed to that – it’s hard to imagine how I survived those first two months!  But I did.  Kevin did. Fingers crossed we don’t have too many regression nights ahead of us, but if we do, we’ll all survive them.

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I developed this ability to be in a constant state of awareness about where she is…how she’s breathing…what movements she’s making.  It makes me giggle to think back on that first month or two in particular.  Both Kevin and I would sometimes hallucinate or something and think that she was in bed with us.  Nearly every night Kevin would all of a sudden shoot straight up from a dead sleep and kind of gasp.  Soon I learned that he thought she was on his lap or next to him on the bed while she was actually safe and sound in her little rocker.  I did that a few times too.  I’d think that I was already nursing her and that I’d fallen asleep holding her.

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It makes me a little sad that Ava won’t remember this time of her life.  I wish that Kevin and I could record our conversations to play back to her in the future when she’s older and understands.  We talk so much and so often about how we love her so much…how we just want to stare at her all the time (creeper parents)…how we think she is so strong and so beautiful and that she works so hard to learn all the things she needs to learn and be the little baby she needs to be.  Not a day goes by that doesn’t include one of us calling the other one over to look at her expression or smile or sweet little sleeping face because it is just too cute to miss.  It’s so humbling to care for this little bitty person, to have them trust you and depend on you to make good decisions for them.

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Before she started doing regular “social smiles”, she would sometimes get this little smile on her face like she had just thought of a joke.  I loved those little smiles.  And I don’t believe for a moment that it was just gas.  :)  I think it is the most amazing thing to have this child and it is so fun to know that I’ve loved her from the very beginning of her existence.  And that love expands and changes day by day because as her personality develops and she grows into an independent little person, I love her for her and not just for being.  Kevin and I were talking about it last week – we know her better than anyone and we just love everything about her.

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Being her mom is the best thing.

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6 thoughts on “Things I want to remember.

  1. Oh my goodness, this post is just the sweetest. This is one to show her when she’s a tween and unsure about everything in life.

    12-year-old Ava, if you are reading this, know how much your parents love and support you and always will!

  2. Aww, I love this! My favorite thing about blogging is that it’s like a virtual scrapbook and I know Ava will treasure being able to come back and read these memories! And glad to know about the sleeping – that’s my biggest worry come June :)

  3. Oh my gosh! Jordan and I do it e exact same thing a out hallucinating that R is next to us or we are holding her. Me more than him. I remember doing that a lot in the beginning, and it was always something terrible that would make me shoot up in bed. I thought I had rolled on top of her or dropped her or something. And I used to (nearly every night) have at least one dream where something bad had happened like I looked over and her face was turning purple or she didn’t have legs. Come
    To think of it, I’m okay not remembering all of that. I was so exhausted and a little (a lot) paranoid that I stressed myself out!

  4. This is SO sweet, Amy! I’ve thought about how I’m glad that Jake won’t remember some things (Iike when I accidentally let him roll off the bed and fall to the floor), but I haven’t thought about how I wish he WOULD remember this time in his life. I’ve been taking video and writing things down, and I know he’ll get a kick out of seeing it later! But I don’t think he will never really know or understand (until maybe he has his own kid?) how I have loved him with an intensity that I have never loved anyone else in my entire life. I guess that’s just the way of being a parent!

  5. This is the sweetest post. I hope Ava can read back on this one day and know how loved she is by you and Kevin. It must be so amazing to be the people who know her the most and love her for exactly who she is. Parenthood seems like such a beautiful journey!

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